


a shaking lightbulb (about to go out)

by cloudsunrain



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Friends, Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28818354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsunrain/pseuds/cloudsunrain
Summary: When Doyoung meets Lee Taeyong while moving in to his new dorm, he hopes he'll make his first new friend at college. Two hours later, Taeyong's stomped off in a huff and Doyoung has no idea what he did wrong. And yet they keep running into each other.Five times that Doyoung makes a bad impression on Taeyong + One time he makes a good impression.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 13
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written fic since high school but I needed something to do as a distraction during the election. I started with an outline for 5k words but it ballooned to 20k so it was a pretty effective distraction. I've really enjoyed NCT 2020 and wanted to capture some of those dynamics. The whole fic is written; I just need to finish editing the last few chapters. It's self-contained but it's part 1 of 3 of the larger story that I have planned.
> 
> Title from NCT Lightbulb.

The first time Doyoung meets Taeyong, he doesn’t leave a good impression. In fact, he’d say it goes about as badly as he could expect for a first attempt to make a friend on his first day of college.

Doyoung’s dad is in the middle of a big release at work, and his brother scheduled back-to-back auditions, so it’s just him and his mom who pile all of his stuff into their minivan and make the three-hour drive to his university. They’ve managed to grab a parking spot right in front of his new dorm, but with just two of them they have to first carry in the boxes one by one and pile them in front of the elevator before taking them up in one big batch. One hour in and they’re still on the first part.

Doyoung is trying swipe his new student ID card to unlock the building without dropping the box he’s carrying when someone opens the door to let him in. Doyoung stumbles through, thanking the boy holding the door open and rushing to the elevator to drop off his box before his arms give out. When he comes back the boy is still standing next to the door, staring at his phone. He’s about Doyoung’s height, maybe a little shorter, and his hair is dyed a light gray. It’s long around his ears but Doyoung can see he has a dangly earring on his left. He doesn’t look like any friend Doyoung’s made before. All of his friends in high school were square, church youth group types. He tells himself college is a time for new experiences. His brother went into college as a CS major but dropped out to get into acting and now plays a programmer in Best Buy commercials.

“Did you need any help carrying things in?” asks the boy, putting away his phone. “You looked pretty overwhelmed. Aren’t your parents here to help?”

His smile is bright and Doyoung feels compelled to grin back at him. He didn’t expect to meet anyone so quickly – back in high school his friend group was painstakingly assembled. But again, starting college is a chance for him to change things up. 

“We’ve been parked longer than twenty minutes so my mom’s making sure we don’t get towed. But I don’t want to take up your time – you’re probably busy unpacking.”

“Oh it’s no problem, I’m waiting for some of my friends to get back here anyway.”

The boy’s name is Lee Taeyong, he’s from the next town over, and he knows multiple people who were going to be in their class, at least one of which is also in their dorm. Doyoung is a bit disappointed; he’d had some idea of making a friend who didn’t know anyone else so they could meet new people together. It’s good that Taeyong is coming along to help, though, since Doyoung’s mom’s been forced to park down two blocks. 

When they get to the car Taeyong abruptly stops talking. Confused, Doyoung looks around. It’s just their regular old minivan, a bit worn from the years and dusty from the drive, with their church bumper stickers and the trunk open. Doyoung’s mom is lining up the remaining boxes for them to pick up.

Doyoung looks at Taeyong, “Everything ok?”

Taeyong is staring at the car and frowning, but when Doyoung speaks he nods and goes ahead to pick up the first box.

Taeyong doesn’t say much as they carefully arrange the boxes so they all fit into the elevator. With all of them in, only one person can squeeze in along them, so Taeyong volunteers to take the stairs. When they meet up in front of Doyoung’s room, Taeyong is standing in front of the door, frowning again.

“You said your friend is on the same floor, right? Which room is he in? It would be great if we could all hang out together,” says Doyoung.

Taeyong doesn’t respond as they go into the room and instead starts stacking Doyoung’s boxes. His roommate’s already moved in, and his stuff is spread out all over the room. His boxes of clothes are open on top, with the clothes thrown in haphazardly, unlike Doyoung’s neatly taped up boxes; judging from the socks strewn on the floor, the roommate’s system has been ineffective in actually keeping his clothes contained. A whole section of the floor is taken up by what looks like a half-completed art project. There’s a bunch of cut out paper letters: English ones, but also Hangul, and what looks like Japanese characters (Doyoung remembers that his roommate had a Japanese name); and a ton of glitter strewn over everything that Doyoung hopes hasn’t gotten stuck to the carpet. His roommate has put up posters on the wall on his side of the room, mostly male models wearing what looks like designer clothes, most of which are more scantily clad than Doyoung is used to. 

“It’s pretty messy in here, he could have put his stuff away before putting up all the posters,” says Doyoung. 

Taeyong looks up at him but doesn’t answer, instead going back to the elevator to get the next box. There’s a strange vibe – ever since they’d reached the car earlier. He can’t figure out what he did wrong. Panicking, Doyoung starts saying anything to prevent silence from settling in.

“My roommate must be really into fashion, from all those posters. That’s not really my thing, so I don’t know if we’ll have much in common. I was hoping to have someone to study for classes with but he’s probably an art major. Though the art he was working on looked a bit half-baked.” Taeyong stays stony-faced. Doyoung doesn’t think his blabbing helped, and may even have dug him in deeper. He resists the urge to say something more just to get a reaction out of Taeyong. 

Instead, the breaking point happens when Doyoung’s mom comes in right as they get the last box in. The first thing she does is look around, first at the glitter covered paper on the floor, and then up at the posters on the wall. Doyoung notices one of the men has his hand shoved down his pants.

He loves his mom, but she has a particular set of values and not a lot of tact. So when she turns to them and opens her mouth to comment on his roommate’s decorations, his stomach clenches.

“Are you sure you’re in the right room?” she asks, “This looks more like a girl’s stuff. They don’t allow co-ed dorms rooms at this school, do they?” She’s now looking down at Doyoung’s roommate’s bedspread, which had a purple flower pattern. Doyoung’s heart sinks.

“Mom!” he exclaims, but Taeyong, who’s idling next to the door, immediately stands up. His face is closed in, unreadable. He says his friends are waiting for him and rushes out the door. Doyoung glares at his mom, but she only looks back at him confusedly. He wants to tell her that she probably ruined his first attempt at making a friend, but she wouldn’t understand, especially since he can’t precisely explain how it happened himself. He just knows that Taeyong doesn’t like him. At all.

Bad first impression made.


	2. Chapter 2

The second time Doyoung meets Taeyong, it doesn’t go much better.

Doyoung’s roommate Yuta is actually a pretty chill guy. The first thing he’d done when he got back to the room in the late afternoon of move-in day, after Doyoung’s mom had left, was clean up all his stuff. Doyoung didn’t even have to ask.

Yuta is a sociology major, not an art major, and what Doyoung thought was a conceptual art project turned out to be a sign with their names on it in cut out letters to put on their front door. Yuta looked up Doyoung’s name in Hangul and covered the letters in red and green glitter, which Doyoung has to admit gives it a lot of pizzaz, even though some glitter is stuck to the carpet, which is probably going to come out of their dorm deposit. 

He does turn out to be into fashion, at least aspirationally. He’s got a pile of magazines, which he admits he doesn’t really have the money to take advice from. Instead his main efforts are growing out his bangs so they cover his eyes and giving them purple highlights, which Doyoung is glad his mom didn’t stay long enough to see.

Orientation week goes by quickly, and they’re thrown into their classes. It doesn’t take long for them to establish a routine. Doyoung has morning class every day thanks to his basic science requirements, so he learns how to get up without waking up Yuta, who in turn knows how to stay quiet when he gets back from his late-night study sessions.

Yuta spends most of his time with his friends who live in another dorm, but him and Doyoung eat at the dining hall together a couple times a week. Yuta goes home on Friday nights, but he gets back on Sunday morning, so they eat brunch together after Doyoung gets back from church. Yuta isn’t a big talker, but he has a subtle sense of humor that catches Doyoung off guard. He’s also is a keen people watcher, and during brunch he points out which of their classmates are eating together after a hook up. Somehow Yuta is able to keep track of the various pairings among their freshman class – Doyoung learns the names of most of his classmates from him. All in all, it feels good to have his roommate as a friend, and one he doesn’t feel like he has to impress or protect himself around.

It gets more complicated though, and it’s all Taeyong’s fault.

One Thursday, about a month into the term, Doyoung is coming back from his Bible study group when he notices the door to his room is open and he can hear voices coming out. This is pretty unusual – him and Yuta barely ever have friends in their room. Doyoung sees people either at Bible study or InterVarsity activities, or when he’s studying in the library, and Yuta hangs out in his friends’ dorm rooms. Some part of Doyoung’s brain, leftover from high school, thinks Yuta is hiding his friends from him, though he can’t think of any reasons why that would be the case.

He finds out why when he steps into his room. Yuta is sitting in his desk chair, leaning back and balancing it on its hind legs, and sitting on Yuta’s bed facing him is none other than Taeyong. 

Taeyong’s hair has grown out a bit so he can see the black roots coming through, but otherwise he looks the same as he did on move-in day. He’s throwing his head back laughing at something Yuta said, and Doyoung wishes he could rewind time back to that first day and do it right so he could be there laughing with them. But Taeyong notices him quickly and Doyoung’s heart starts beating faster in anticipation. Yuta, seeing Taeyong tense up, turns in his chair and says,

“Doyoung, how was your thing? Have you met Taeyong? We went to high school together, he lives on the floor below us.”

He nods in response and Taeyong says “We’ve met” curtly. Doyoung goes to his desk to put away his Bible and takes out his homework. Taeyong’s made it clear he’s not interested in talking to him, and he can stay quiet until they’ve left. But before Doyoung can put down his Calculus textbook, Taeyong calls him out.

“Were you just at a religious thing?”

Doyoung stands back up and turns to face them. They’re still sitting in the same spots, Taeyong on the bed, leaning forward now, and Yuta backwards in his chair. Taeyong has a determined look on his face, like this is a band aid that’s particularly stuck on but has to be ripped off nonetheless. Yuta looks confused but also a bit embarrassed, and he keeps glancing up at Taeyong and then back at Doyoung. Doyoung stomach is a pit.

“Yeah, we have a weekly dorm Bible study,” he says. There’s nothing wrong with that, but Doyoung feels like he’s being put on trial.

“Is that through InterVarsity?” Taeyong asks. His face looks grimmer and grimmer.

“They organize the groups, but the students run them. Why are you asking all these questions? I haven’t done anything to you!” Doyoung can see how things are shaping up now. Taeyong is one of those people who doesn’t like Christians. He knows that secular colleges are full of them, but he’s made most of his friends through IV and Yuta was pretty tolerant. It doesn’t matter anyway; if Taeyong doesn’t like him that’s fine, he just hopes it won’t make it impossible to live with Yuta.

At this point Taeyong is talking more to Yuta, though Doyoung can feel the intensity that he’s containing, something that is building inside himself in response. 

“Did you know,” said Taeyong, “that InterVarsity’s official position is that gay people are sinners? That they fire employees who support gay marriage? That’s the group he’s in?”

Doyoung’s jaw drops. That’s what it’s about?

“What are you talking about? What do I – you think I set InterVarsity policies? I can’t fire anyone!” Doyoung is panting, his stomach is doing flips. He was expecting an attack from one side and it came from the other.

“He takes part of those groups. He learns his beliefs from them.” Taeyong is stone still now, not moving his eyes from Yuta’s. “And it’s not just that. His car’s covered in stickers for every conservative Christian homophobic organization known to man. Focus on the Family, Billy Graham, they’re all there.”

“Those are my parents’! I don’t choose how they decorate their car!” He’s shouting now, trembling.

“But he doesn’t say they’re wrong, you don’t contradict them, they’re who you learn from.” Taeyong’s voice is thin and sharp.

“What does it even matter what they think? What I think?”

“It matters for the people around you, for the gay people around you, what you think of them!”

“I don’t even know any of them, how would I know if they’re sinners!” Doyoung is gasping, his words coming out higher and higher. Taeyong looks right at him and breathes in and Yuta realizes what he’s saying and tries to stop him but it’s too late,

“Yuta’s gay, your roommate’s gay, and you never even realized or thought about it and even your mom knew enough to be homophobic but you don’t even know if you think he’s a sinner!”

Doyoung stares. He stares at Taeyong, who’s still glaring back though Yuta’s managed to cover his mouth with his hand. He stares at Yuta, who still hasn’t said anything but looks dismayed and angry. Finally Yuta gets up, pulls Taeyong out the door and closes it without looking back at Doyoung. Doyoung sits back in his chair.

There are a million contradictory thoughts running through his head. Did he ruin his relationship with Yuta? How dare Taeyong come after his religion? His mom – well he has to admit that he knows what his mom believes. He doesn’t think he has anything to be ashamed of, but he feels sick to his stomach.

Eventually he manages to calm down enough to speed through homework, and ends up going to bed early, though he doesn’t fall asleep until long past his usual bedtime. 

There’s just one thing he’s sure of – that he’s managed to make an even worse second impression on Taeyong.


	3. Chapter 3

“I don’t know what he wants from me? I’m not my parents, I can’t apologize for them.”

The next afternoon, Doyoung is at a table in the student commons with his study group. They’re supposed to be making cheat sheets for their Chemistry midterm, but Doyoung’s given them the play-by-play of the last night’s confrontation which has been replaying in his head for the last twelve hours. Yuta slipped back into the room only once Doyoung was in bed with the lights off, and Doyoung ran out early this morning for his Chemistry lecture, so they haven’t talked since. Now his friends are bearing the brunt of his frustration.

“He kind of does have a point, though,” says Jaehyun, “It’s not cool to just tell him you don’t have an opinion. We’re college students now, we’re supposed to be forming our own selves separate from our parents.” Jaehyun’s a fellow freshman who he met when he was the only person Doyoung recognized from the first IV social in their huge intro chemistry class. He’s a pre-med, and Doyoung gets the impression that he’s using gelled hair and trendy jackets to overcompensate from having been the type who spent all of high school studying.

“But it’s none of his business what I believe. I have a right to my own private, like, thoughts and values and stuff,” says Doyoung. The arguments he’s been preparing in his head don’t sound as good when he says them out loud.

“It’s the point of going to a secular college, right?” says Jaehyun. “We’re supposed to be challenged in our beliefs by the non-Christians around us and come out stronger in our faith. At least that’s what my pastor back home said. And we can also, choose what that means, I think.” Jaehyun blushes. From the amount of partying he does, he’s definitely choosing his own interpretation of Christian living.

Doyoung’s not sure how the conversation ended up being about Jaehyun’s pastor when he still hasn’t figured out how he’s going to talk to Taeyong and Yuta. At this point, their other study partner decides to jump in.

“What you really need to do is apologize to Yuta. He got outed by his friend, and now he needs to know that he’s safe living with his roommate.” Taeil is looking at him seriously through his glasses. He’s a sophomore CS major they met in the second week of classes, when he told them he needed some chemistry majors to help him pass a class he was only taking to satisfy his gen-ed requirements. In return, he’s been giving them tips about university life. Doyoung isn’t sure why a laid-back person like Taeil is hanging out with him and Jaehyun, who are already stressed out about their course loads and GPAs, but he does appreciate having him around, including now.

“You’re right, Taeil,” says Doyoung, sinking his head into his hands on the table. “I think I’ve been focusing on Taeyong because I don’t know what to say to Yuta. He’s been a great roommate and now he probably thinks I’m terrible.”

“You don’t have to make that big a deal of it. Just say you’re sorry you reacted poorly, and that you don’t have a problem with him being gay,” says Taeil.

That’s easier said than done. Doyoung tries to imagine himself saying that nonchalantly the way Taeil wants him to. 

“Yeah, you can tell him he’s the first gay person you know and that it can be a learning experience!” says Jaehyun enthusiastically. 

Taeil rolls his eyes. “Don’t say that, then you’ll really freak him out. Again, being gay isn’t a big deal if you don’t make it one.”

Jaehyun looks dejected, and Doyoung changes the subject back to chemistry before he can offer to meet Yuta to tell him himself. As they reopen their textbooks, Taeil smiles at him reassuringly. Doyoung still feels a pit in his stomach at the idea of talking to Yuta about his sexuality, but maybe he’ll be able to muddle through it. As long as he listens to Taeil and not Jaehyun.

***

When Doyoung gets back, Yuta is working at his desk, his back to the door and his headphones on. It’s not too late for Doyoung to head back out and work in the dorm lounge until he can go straight to bed, or to head right to his own desk and put on his headphones without saying anything. But Doyoung had promised Taeil he’d talk to Yuta, and thinking about Taeil’s face, owlish behind his glasses, settles the butterflies in his stomach for some reason. He walks to Yuta and taps on his shoulder.

“Yuta, can we talk?” Yuta turns his chair and pulls down his headphones. His face is inscrutable; does he look apprehensive, or angry at Doyoung?

“I just wanted to say – I’m sorry about what I said last night. Really sorry. I don’t think you’re a sinner or any of all that. I just got defensive because Taeyong, well, it doesn’t matter, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and really I don’t care if you’re – I really like having you as a roommate but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with me but if you wanted to switch roommates or live with Taeyong instead I’d understand.” When he starts speaking he has to keep going to make sure he gets it all out, but once his words peter out he’s not sure whether he should look at Yuta or at the floor. He can feel his own heart beating. He wrings his hands until Yuta answers. 

“Taeyong and I could never room together – we’d drive each other crazy. If I’d wanted to live with him I’d have done that in the first place. And I like living with you too, I’m glad you feel the same way,” says Yuta lightly. Doyoung looks up at him and he’s playing with the hair tie he has around his wrist but there’s a slight smile on his face.

“So you’re not mad?” asks Doyoung.

Yuta looks up at him now. “I can’t say I wasn’t worried for most of the day. But Taeyong’s not my only source of information. We’re friends, I knew you’d come around.” He points at the posters behind him. “You know I put those up trying to give you hints. I wanted to tell you when we moved in, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it so I just put up the gayest posters I could find and covered everything in glitter. Didn’t really work. Except on your mom apparently.”

Doyoung was smiling back at Yuta but hearing this opens up the pit in his stomach again. “I’m so sorry about that, I know she’s my mom but she’s wrong, she was wrong –” he’s interrupted when Yuta gets up and pulls him into a hug. It’s only then that Doyoung realizes he was shaking.

“It’s ok, you’re never responsible for what your parents say or do, you’re just yourself,” says Yuta soothingly. His hug is warm. Doyoung has never been the type of person to make physical contact with his friends, but having Yuta holding him is comforting. It reminds him of his mom, who wouldn’t let him leave for school in the mornings without hugging him tight.

He could go visit home this weekend, catch the bus … but his mom had been so judgmental towards Yuta, had all those bumper stickers he couldn’t explain. How could he go back without talking about that? He realizes that he’s crying when Yuta’s arms tighten around him.

“Sorry, I’m just homesick I guess,” says Doyoung. He puts his arms around Yuta and hugs him back. They stay that way for a while, until Doyoung’s eyes start to droop and he untangles himself so he can go brush his teeth.

Once they’re both in their beds, Yuta whispers to him, “This means we’re staying roommates right?” They whisper back and forth for another half hour. It’s like they’re at one sleepovers Doyoung used to have when he was a kid. He’d stopped when he got to middle school. Turns out he’d missed them.

***

Taeyong comes back to study with Yuta twice the next week. The first time they come in while Doyoung’s watching Parks and Rec on his laptop. Doyoung keeps his volume on low (he’s heard you can permanently damage your hearing with headphones), so he can hear them chatting in the hallway and notices that, while Yuta keeps talking as they come into the dorm room, Taeyong immediately stops. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Taeyong get out his notebooks stiffly while Yuta looks over his shoulder to comment on the episode he’s watching.

Doyoung spends the whole time Taeyong’s there watching TV, letting the episodes keep playing even though he’d planned on getting started on an essay for his freshman seminar.

The second time is on Thursday, a week from when Doyoung first argued with Taeyong. He’s coming back from Bible Study again. This time they have another friend with them; they’re all sitting on the floor with a bunch of papers strewn about, with multiple open books on top for good measure. 

“Doyoung, have you met Ten? He went to the same high school as Taeyong and me, but his dorm’s on the other side of campus so we usually study in the LSM Library,” says Yuta. Ten is sharp-faced, and his hair is cut short, unlike Yuta and Taeyong’s, which they’ve apparently been refusing to cut since the semester started. 

“Oh is this the homophobic roommate?” asks Ten. Yuta turns to him and glares, to which Ten puts up his hands as if pleading innocence. 

Doyoung is frozen in place. He doesn’t know how to react – he’d fixed everything with Yuta, hadn’t he? Was Taeyong badmouthing him to their friends now? He finds himself looking at Taeyong, who’s staring right back at him.

“Taeyong, what are you telling people about me? I fixed things with Yuta – Yuta tell him!” exclaims Doyoung.

“Ten did you have to? I told you guys, everything’s fine,” says Yuta.

“No offense Yuta but you’re way too nice, I trust Taeyong on this,” says Ten.

Taeyong is still looking straight into Doyoung’s eyes, his mouth set. Doyoung’s not sure why they’re all waiting on him, as if his judgement is what matters. He’s about ready to storm off when Taeyong suddenly turns away.

“Ten, you shouldn’t have said that,” he says, and goes back to working on his homework.

And, somehow, that’s the end of that. Ten shrugs and Yuta rolls his eyes, but soon they’re all back to work and Doyoung can escape to take a shower. But the whole time he can’t stop thinking of the way Taeyong was staring at him, the way he felt like his life was in the balance, the way Taeyong’s mouth was set as he was weighing his karmic scales. 

***

The next morning, Yuta checks in on him while they’re both getting ready for class.

“Hey Doyoung, we’re still good, right?” he asks.

“Your friends are pretty tough to please, but I think I’ll win them over eventually.” Doyoung grins in what he hopes is a reassuring way. He’ll probably just try to avoid them as much as possible, but there’s no reason to make Yuta think there are any issues. 

“That’s good to hear. I was just asking, because I was wondering if it would be ok if my boyfriend came to visit for the weekend? I’ve been going home to see him, but he’s applying to college right now and wants to come see what it’s like.”

Oh. Yuta has a boyfriend. That does explain why he spends so much time in his hometown. He’s meeting his boyfriend there. And now the boyfriend is going to come here. Suddenly Doyoung is imagining a second Taeyong sitting on Yuta’s bed glaring at him.

“If it’s not ok, that’s fine. I know our room isn’t very big. If you’re going home for Fall Break maybe he can visit then?” says Yuta. He looks anxious.

“No, no, it’s no problem, he can come visit. It’s just that…” Doyoung blushes. “How much does he talk to Taeyong and Ten?”

Yuta bursts out laughing. Doyoung shifts in his chair. He thought Yuta understood why his friends made him uncomfortable.

“I –“ Doyoung starts, but Yuta stops laughing long enough to interrupt him.

“You don’t have to worry. Mark, he’s – you really don’t have to worry about him coming here and glaring at you, if that’s what you meant. He’s very sweet. Everyone likes him, he won over Taeyong a lot faster than you did.” Yuta winks at him at that part. “And he doesn’t talk to Taeyong so you’ll have all weekend to make your own impression on him. But he’s super friendly, you’ll get along great.”

“Looking forward to meeting him then!” Doyoung says, chipper, but he’s still nervous. What he’s learned from two months in college is that he’s not good at first impressions. He can count on one hand the number of people he’s managed to get close enough with to hang out with outside of class. 

In any case, Yuta seems happy with him, which is his current goal. As they head out of the dorm, he’s chatting about all the places on campus he wants to show his boyfriend.

***

It’s Friday, so Yuta packs his stuff for the weekend as soon as they get back from classes so he can catch the campus shuttle to the bus terminal downtown. Doyoung is left alone in their room. Jaehyun texts him trying to get him to go to some frat party, but Doyoung tells him he has a headache. At the beginning of the term, Doyoung had promised Jaehyun that they’d go to a big party together, but so far Doyoung has managed to put it off. He really doesn’t think a college party would be his scene, what with all the noise and drunk strangers.

Doyoung considers continuing working on his essay, but doing homework on a Friday night is super lame, and he is actually tired and doesn’t feel like researching the ethics of end-of-life care right now. He pulls out his laptop and scrolls through Netflix. He still has two seasons left of Parks and Rec. Last time Ten had made a comment about how the show glorified the milquetoast liberalism of the Obama era. On the other hand, Yuta had told him not to listen to what Ten says, and Doyoung isn’t even a liberal, milquetoast or not, so what does it matter to him. He decides to rewatch FMA: Brotherhood instead anyway. 

Doyoung wishes Yuta would stay on weekends so they could hang out together. Or that he had friends who wanted to watch movies and make popcorn in the microwave in the dorm lounge on Friday nights instead of going to parties on Frat Row. What he really wishes, which Doyoung can admit to himself alone in his room late at night, is that he hadn’t screwed things up and was friends with Taeyong. It would have been ideal: they hit it off so well on move-in day, they live in the same dorm, Taeyong is friends with his roommate. And Doyoung knows that Taeyong stays in most Friday nights – he’s seen him playing on his Switch in the fifth floor common area a couple times, though he’s not sure why Taeyong wasn’t in the lounge on his own floor. If only Taeyong hadn’t gotten mad over nothing and Doyoung hadn’t put his foot in his mouth trying to fix it.

It’s almost 1:00 A.M. and Doyoung’s ten episodes in when his phone rings. It’s Jaehyun. He hopes he won’t be trying to get Doyoung to go out again, because at this point it’s way past his bedtime.

“Dooooooyoungieeeeee,” comes Jaehyun’s voice out of the speaker.

“Jaehyun? How drunk are you?”

“Doyoungieeee why aren’t you here? It was so much fun! If you were here you could have met my new friend Winwin. Say hi Winwin.” There’s some noise as the phone gets passed around and he hears a new voice say hi quickly before the phone gets passed back.

“Jaehyun, I’m glad you had a good time, but I was about to go to sleep,” says Doyoung. He really was planning on watching at least four more episodes and feeling sorry for himself, but he didn’t need drunk Jaehyun rubbing it in. 

“No Doyoungie you can’t leave I needed your help for something. I can’t remember why. Here Winwinie tell him.” There’s some more scratching as the phone gets passed back, and the second voice comes back on, this Winwin apparently. Strange name.

“Hi, Doyoung, right? Jaehyun needs help getting back and he said you know how to get to his room? Could you get him because I don’t know where the dorms are?” Winwin’s voice is soft and he has an accent – maybe he’s an international student? Doyoung’s not sure why that would mean he can’t find a dorm room and he wants to tell Jaehyun to figure things out himself, but he does feel bad for blowing off Jaehyun all semester, so he goes to find his warmest jacket.

“Ok, I’ll come. Where are you guys?”

“Near the corner of 12th and 7th. You probably want to bring someone with you. He can’t really walk by himself right now and I have to be home soon.”

Doyoung sighs. This Winwin may be Jaehyun’s new best friend, but he sure isn’t helpful. He runs through everyone he knows he could ask. Yuta is out. Taeil is definitely asleep right now, and his dorm is on the other side of campus anyway. His next-door neighbors are hardcore gamers he’s talked to once, and the girls across the hall are probably out at some party. He doesn’t know which rooms the people he knows from Bible study live in. 

Taeyong is very confused when Doyoung enters the floor lounge and, instead of going to the microwave to make his hot chocolate, makes a beeline to the couch Taeyong is lying on, but he sits up as Doyoung approaches.

“I know we don’t talk, but I really need help with something and everyone else is busy,” says Doyoung. He doesn’t want to admit to Taeyong that he’s the only person he can ask.

Taeyong frowns. “What would you need me for?” he asks.

“My friend is really drunk, he can’t get home by himself, and I can’t carry him back by myself. Come on, isn’t rescuing drunk people part of the college experience?” Taeyong looks unconvinced, and Doyoung doesn’t fault him, but he gets up and grabs the shoes he left at the end of the couch. “Do you have a coat? It’s almost freezing outside.”

Taeyong nods and goes to one of the cupboards next to the fridge. In it there’s a backpack and what looks like a pile of clothes. Taeyong takes a coat off the top and joins him at the door. 

When they’re in the elevator, Doyoung asks, “Why do you spend so much time in the lounge on our floor? And why are your clothes there?”

Taeyong shrugs. “On weekend nights my roommate has his girlfriend over. And they’re pretty loud. I sleep on the couches sometimes. The lounge is emptier than you’d think on weekend nights.”

Suddenly, Doyoung is even more grateful that Yuta’s his roommate. Though does that mean he should be additionally worried for when Yuta’s boyfriend visits next weekend? But Yuta is considerate and wouldn’t do that. “Why didn’t you come sleep in our room? There isn’t a lot of space, but we could have put some pillows on the floor or something.”

Taeyong glances up at him quickly. “You always … tense up when I’m around. I didn’t want to feel unwelcome in your own room.”

“You can just say you don’t want to sleep in a room with a known homophobe. I’m over it anyway.” Doyoung tries to chuckle but it comes out more like a hoarse cough. He thinks he sees Taeyong roll his eyes at him. Whatever.

They’re walking towards frat row, quickly because it really is cold outside, when Doyoung makes another realization. 

“When I told Yuta he could switch roommates if he wanted, he could have done it and saved you from the terrible roommate. Why didn’t he do that?” It really would have been the obvious solution.

“Didn’t he tell you? We chose to get different dorm rooms because we knew we wouldn’t be compatible as roommates.”

“Yes, but a friend is still way better than someone you can’t talk to.”

They’re taking a shortcut through a dark athletic field, so Doyoung can’t see Taeyong’s facial expression, but he takes a while to answer.

“You know, Yuta does really like living with you,” says Taeyong finally. “He’s always talking about how considerate you are. He wouldn’t just dump you with a terrible new roommate.”

There’s not much Doyoung can say to that.

When they reach Jaehyun, he’s sitting on the curb half-asleep with his head in the lap of the boy sitting next to him. Winwin is holding on to Jaehyun’s head and staring off into the distance. He perks up when he sees them coming and starts shaking Jaehyun awake, gently.

“I’m so happy you’re here, my aunt and uncle have a pretty strict curfew and I’m way past it,” he says as Jaehyun is blinking, trying to take up.

Was Jaehyun partying with a high schooler? Better get this over with quickly. “Thanks so much for taking care of him, Winwin. I don’t know why he decided to get this drunk.” They’ve managed to get Jaehyun standing and he and Taeyong are putting one of Jaehyun’s arms over their shoulders. 

Winwin scratches the back of his head and looks embarrassed. “Oh, my name isn’t actually Winwin, it’s Dong Sicheng. Jaehyun just started calling me that because we kept winning at beer pong. I think he was pretty far gone by that point,” he says. “Thanks for getting here so fast, I have to go now. Can you tell Jaehyun I left my number in his phone so we can meet up again? Good night!” He jogs off into the night and soon enough it’s just him and Taeyong holding up a groggy Jaehyun.

“Why do I get the impression that he’s trying to dodge getting grounded for two months?” says Doyoung. He looks over at Taeyong, who smirks back at him. Jaehyun is asleep again, his head lolling on their shoulders. Doyoung thinks it’s the first time he’s gotten some kind of smile out of Taeyong since August.

Taeyong hoists Jaehyun’s arm around his shoulder. “Let’s get going. Your friend is heavier than he looks, and I have a boss fight to get back to. It’s cold as shit out here.”

They start making their way to Jaehyun’s dorm, slower than they came because it really is awkward walking with three people and Jaehyun is only barely walking. “I think he must be spending all his free time working out. When we first met, he was skinny as a shrimp.”

Somehow this is enough to rouse Jaehyun, who, his head still on Taeyong’s shoulder, says, “Have to … impress … girls …” He then flips his head over so it’s resting on Doyoung’s shoulder instead.

Doyoung rolls his eyes at Taeyong over Jaehyun’s head, and Taeyong bursts out laughing. His laugh is surprisingly high pitched, between a cackle and a giggle, and it echoes on the walls of the empty buildings around them. 

They’ve gone about five blocks in half an hour when Taeyong stops. “This isn’t working,” he says, “can we try taking turns carrying him instead?”

Taeyong crouches down and Doyoung helps lift Jaehyun up onto his back. Taeyong is so slender that Doyoung is worried he won’t be able to get up, but apparently he’s stronger than he looks. Doyoung stabilizes him for the first few steps, and then they’re off.

“Thanks for coming, you know, to help,” says Doyoung after they’ve been walking in silence for a little while. It wasn’t uncomfortable silence, per se, but Doyoung wants to take advantage of Taeyong talking to him while he still can. “You don’t even know Jaehyun, and you don’t like me, so…”

“It’s not like I was doing anything anyway, right?” says Taeyong. His breaths are coming out faster now and fogging up due to the cold.

“You had some boss you were fighting!”

“Well, playing video games alone at one am on a Friday is hardly an important activity.”

“Better or worse than watching anime alone at one am on a Friday?” Taeyong laughs again, bright and sharp, and Doyoung’s chest feels warm in a way it hasn’t in months.

“Anyway, dealing your drunk friends in the middle of the night is part of the college experience, right?” says Taeyong. “Looks like we’re about halfway, do you mind switching?”

Taeyong crouches down and they get Jaehyun to climb onto Doyoung’s back. Jaehyun’s arms are warm around his neck, and he thinks about how some of that heat came from Taeyong. He thinks back to when Yuta hugged him, to his mom and how he’s not sure if he wants to go home for Fall Break. 

Jaehyun interrupts his thoughts by snuggling into his neck and murmuring, “Winwin, you’re warm.” Doyoung blushes at the closeness of their thoughts. Luckily, Taeyong doesn’t notice because he’s also lost in thought. He decides to figure out what it means later.

After a while, Taeyong starts talking. “You know, for some reason you think we’re rivals or enemies or something, but all I’ve been doing is making sure Yuta’s safe. Yuta – he’s so nice that sometimes – he’s gotten hurt before. I just wanted to make sure that didn’t happen again. So I was a little aggressive, I guess, but it was for Yuta’s sake.”

Doyoung’s out of breath from carrying Jaehyun so he can’t answer but is it somewhat gratifying to hear Taeyong admit that he went too far. It was quite a bit more than just aggressive – Taeyong iced him out and then told all his friends Doyoung hated gay people! – but maybe Doyoung can just accept this as an apology and they can all move on. At least to make it less awkward when Taeyong studies with Yuta. And so that Taeyong can have a place to sleep more comfortable than the dorm lounge. 

Once they get to Jaehyun’s dorm, Doyoung fishes his ID card out of his pocket so they can get in. He tells Taeyong that he can head back, but Taeyong insists on coming up with him. They don’t manage to get into Jaehyun’s room without waking up his roommate Mingyu, but he convinces them that he can get Jaehyun into bed by himself. They’re waiting for the elevator when Doyoung decides to go back to their earlier topic.

“Thanks for the apology, by the way,” he says.

“What’s that?” says Taeyong. He’s looking at his phone, but it’s run out of battery.

“Earlier, you apologized for calling me a homophobe.”

“That’s not what I said. I said I had maybe been too aggressive about it.” Doyoung’s stomach clenches. 

“Well, the part where you were too aggressive included the part where you called me a homophobe.” Somehow this conversation is getting out of control again. “Maybe you should apologize for that. And telling all your friends about it. Now that you know that I’m not one.”

Taeyong is still looking at his dark phone screen. “Being ok with having a gay roommate doesn’t make you not a homophobe. It takes a little more than that,” he says. His tone is matter of fact, but Doyoung’s jaw drops. What proof does Taeyong want? Possible ideas flash through Doyoung’s head: he was fine with his roommate inviting his boyfriend to stay for the weekend (probably in the same bed?); his best friend almost kissed his neck thinking he was some other guy, but he knows that saying either of these out loud would just Taeyong think even worse of him. 

Instead he says: “I think you’re just making up some impossible test because you’re mad that Yuta is friends with someone else.”

Taeyong turns to him now, and his familiar glare is back. Is that a victory? Doyoung managing to make Taeyong angry again, just like the previous times? “You’re right, maybe I am setting an ‘impossible test.’ But you know what, Yuta was literally gay-bashed by his fucking ex-boyfriend,” he shouts, his tone high like when he was laughing but so far from that. “How do you even test for that? So maybe I’m justified in being aggressive to make sure he doesn’t have a pray the gay away roommate, or worse. Maybe if you cared about Yuta you’d understand that his friends need to be careful when he doesn’t want to be!” Taeyong is trembling, and Doyoung reaches out to him, but he dodges Doyoung’s hand and heads straight to the staircase, slamming the door behind him. 

Doyoung stands there unmoving as the elevator rings open. He’d managed to talk to Taeyong for a good hour, and then, somehow, it had all fallen apart again.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuta’s boyfriend is indeed the complete opposite of Taeyong. The first thing he says when he steps into their dorm the next Friday is, “This is soooo neat!” followed by “Are you Doyoung? I’m Mark, Yuta’s told me so many great things about you.”

Yuta comes in behind him, carrying Mark’s bag. They’ve come straight from the bus depot; apparently the very first things Mark wanted to do were see Yuta’s dorm and meet Doyoung. He shakes the boy’s hand bemusedly. Mark starts asking him questions but quickly gets distracted by the posters Yuta has up on his wall. Yuta puts down the bag on his bed and starts explaining how he got the posters as a way to subtly come out to Doyoung and Mark doubles over laughing. Mark’s laugh is explosive: he almost collapses from the force of it, and Yuta has to grab hold of him so he doesn’t roll off the bed.

Doyoung watches them from his own bed and can’t help smiling when Mark laughs. He wasn’t sure what he expected out of Yuta’s boyfriend, but it wasn’t this kid in glasses who Doyoung could probably lift one-handed. Yuta had told him Mark was still a senior in high school, but Doyoung wasn’t ready for him to remind him so strongly of a particular type of person from high school: the nerdy guy who nonetheless was so charming that everyone liked him anyway. The kind of guys Doyoung’s high school friends wanted to be. And yet that kind of guy didn’t have a gay college boyfriend, at least not at Doyoung’s school. He feels a strange kind of way watching them – Yuta and Mark are now wrapped around each other on the bed, and Doyoung’s pretty sure they’ve forgotten he’s there – and he’s not sure if he likes it or not. Maybe he just wishes he had someone as excited to see him as Yuta clearly is for Mark.

He has to get out of there. He gets up, loudly says he has to meet with his study group, quickly packs enough stuff in his backpack so that he doesn’t have to come back until bedtime, and slips out the door.

***

He has dinner with Jaehyun, Taeil, and Sicheng. It turns out Sicheng moved to their town from China last year and has been taking classes at the local community college in order to transfer to their university next year. Him and Jaehyun are planning on going out again tonight; Jaehyun insists on calling him Winwin, which makes Sicheng blush every time. Doyoung’s not quite sure what’s going on there, but it really isn’t any of his business.

One advantage of Jaehyun spending time with Sicheng is that he doesn’t insist Doyoung come partying with him, though Sicheng himself seems to think that they need to bring Doyoung along to thank him for helping out last Friday. Doyoung has to impress on him that no, he really would rather stay in. Luckily, Taeil steps in to save him:

“Doyoung, if you’re not doing anything, do you want to come play some board games with my friends tonight? We’ve been meaning to try this new one, but we need an extra player.”

Doyoung agrees gratefully. Once Jaehyun and Sicheng leave them to go get ready in Jaehyun’s room, Doyoung asks Taeil, “Were you really missing a person to play games with?”

“Well, we now have two people, so if you have two friends who want to join us, we could probably play something. But it seemed like Jaehyun wasn’t very interested in having you tag along this time,” says Taeil, looking out in the direction their friends left in. “You should come over anyway. It sounded like you wanted to avoid your room for a while.”

Doyoung laughs. “Yeah, when I left Yuta and Mark, they were already rolling around the bed, so I don’t even want to know what they’re up to now,” he says.

“By the way, how is everything going between you two? You ended up talking about things, right?”

Doyoung thinks about it a moment. “Things are fine between us. No, things are good. Yuta trusts me more, I think, since he told me.”

“What about with Taeyong?” asks Taeil.

“What about Taeyong?” 

Taeil shrugs. “Last time, you seemed pretty invested in what he thought of you,” he says. Fair enough.

“Taeyong is … every time we talk we just end up arguing. Maybe we’re not meant to be friends.” It’s something Doyoung’s been thinking about all week. He’s tried, multiple times, to make things right with Taeyong, and each time it blows up in his face. If only Taeyong wasn’t so sensitive. “There’s always something I say that sets him off.”

“You might want to figure out what that is then and apologize for it,” suggests Taeil. Doyoung protests at that, but Taeil keeps going. “I know that he’s done things wrong. But from his point of view you said things that bothered him. What does it cost to apologize for those to keep things open? It worked with Yuta, right? Just something to think about.”

Doyoung thinks that those are two completely different situations, but Taeil is very earnestly confident in his apologizing strategy, so he says he’ll consider it. Maybe.

Taeil lives in a suite-style dorm with three other CS majors in his year. When they get there his suitemates Jongin and Sehun are out, but his roommate Johnny is there.

Taeil hasn’t mentioned Johnny much, so he isn’t sure what to expect. Physically, at least, they look pretty different: Johnny towers over Taeil, and where Taeil’s hair is cut short and neat, Johnny’s grown his out and tied it back in a sloppy ponytail. The first thing Johnny does when he finds out they’re planning on hanging out in the dorm is offer them some of his pot, which he says is ‘great for a chill night in.’ When both Doyoung and Taeil decline, Johnny shrugs, settles in on the couch, and starts on a long explanation of some project he’s working on involving different digital film formats. 

A couple of hours later, they’re still sprawled on the couch and watching clips of black and white movies. It turns out that in addition to knowing a lot about the technical limitations of digital film, Johnny is a general-purpose film buff. When Doyoung makes it clear that his main conception of film formats is that some movies are grainy and black-and-white and others are Marvel movies with CGI trees, Johnny shakes his head and gives him a whole seminar using clips of on YouTube. He gets outraged every time Doyoung has never heard of one of the films he mentions, and that starts them on a whole other chain of movie clips. An hour in, and Johnny’s telling him he has to come back next week so they can start a film history club. At this point, Taeil is snoring in the armchair but Doyoung is rapt.

Around midnight, when Johnny is explaining why Gone with the Wind is confederate apologia (one of the few movies Johnny brings up that Doyoung has actually seen), his suitemates get back in a big rush of noise. Jongin and Sehun and they crowd in around them on the couch. He has to explain three times who he is and how he knows Taeil, since Jongin whoops every time he says Taeil’s name. Jongin takes over the computer from Johnny (“it’s too late for this nerd shit,” he says, but Doyoung can tell it’s meant affectionately) and starts playing his favorite funny videos. Sehun makes sarcastic comments about how terrible Jongin’s taste in humor is, and Johnny laughs in a deep rumble that reverberates in Doyoung’s chest. It’s warm, and comfortable, and when he finally gets back to his dorm Yuta and Mark are fast asleep.

***

The next morning Doyoung wakes up to someone strumming the guitar and crooning about three feet away from his head. It takes him a while to get alert enough to recognize the song, Maroon 5’s Sunday Morning. He opens his eyes and Mark is smiling at him, sitting on a chair that’s way too close to his bed, and holding a guitar that Doyoung is pretty couldn’t have fit in the bag Mark brought with him yesterday. He sits up in his bed and checks his phone. It’s 11 AM. He really did stay up late last night.

Mark seems to get a grumpy vibe from him, because he stops singing and says, “Was that too loud? Yuta said that we had to wake you for brunch and I thought that something soft would work great.”

“It’s not even Sunday today,” is somehow the response his sleep-addled brain comes up with. Mark looks crestfallen, and Yuta, who’d been standing behind him, puts his arms around him reassuringly and glares at Doyoung.

“Doyoung, get dressed. We’re going to eat,” he says.

“Couldn’t you have gone without me and let me sleep in?” Doyoung complains.

“Taeyong asked for you to come,” says Yuta. Doyoung jumps. Taeyong wants him to come to brunch? For some reason, Yuta smirks smugly at him when he jumps out of bed and heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth and change.

It turns out Taeyong is waiting for them right outside their door. Doyoung realizes he forgot that he had told Taeyong to stay in their room instead of the dorm lounge. He can’t tell if Taeyong slept on a couch on in his bed; his hair looks a little flatter than usual but that might be regular bed head. He’s chipper and bright when saying good morning to the three of them, with no sign of tiredness from a bad night’s sleep.

Yuta takes Mark’s hand and starts whispering in his ear as they head down the hallway towards the elevator, so Doyoung falls behind them in step with Taeyong.

“I didn’t want to be the third wheel so I told them to bring you,” says Taeyong. “Ten went home for the weekend and dinner yesterday was all sweetie this and darling that.” Doyoung nods. It’s as good a reason as any for Taeyong to want someone to come along, though it doesn’t really clarify why he asked for Doyoung in particular. 

When they leave the dorm building, still a few paces behind Yuta and Mark, Taeyong asks him, “You wanna know how they got together?” Doyoung wonders if Taeyong felt the silence between them was too awkward, but he actually is curious. It must be hard to find other guys to date who are also into guys – Doyoung doesn’t even know how he would go about doing that.

“There’s not much to it actually,” Taeyong continues. “It was about a year ago, a couple months after Yuta had broken up with … with his ex. Yuta and I were still at school, we’d just gotten out of tryouts for a music event that went terribly, when some tiny sweaty kid came up to us and asked Yuta out. You see, Mark was on the cross-country team, and he’d seen us walking out of the school while on his run and decided he needed to ask out this hot senior he had a crush on then and there. Yuta barely knew who he was but he was feeling so dejected from the audition that he said yes. They hit it off on their first date, and here we are.”

“Did everyone in your school know that Yuta was … ?” asks Doyoung hesitantly.

“Gay? Yeah, Yuta came out back in freshman year. And the whole deal with his ex was pretty public. His ex got kicked out of the school. I don’t think anyone knew about Mark before him and Yuta started dating though. Mark’s still vague about the whole labels thing.”

“Oh,” says Doyoung. “I didn’t know that was an option.” He can’t think about that now, though, so he asks, “How did his parents react?”

“Yuta’s parents are super supportive. They love Mark. I mean, I stay over at his place when I’m arguing with my own parents and they’re happy to have me. Mark, I’m not sure he’s told his. They’re out of the country a lot so they’ll probably never notice until he tells them.”

Doyoung feels like that would be harder to pull off than Taeyong makes it seem. At least with his parents. He shares pretty much everything with them, so how could they not know he was dating someone?

In the dining hall, Mark and Yuta have to sit next to each other, so Doyoung sits across from Mark and watches him pour an avalanche of toppings on his waffle. The meal goes better than he expected, since they mostly stick to talking about everything Mark has to look forward to when he gets to college and which parts were different than they expected. Yuta must have told Mark something about Doyoung’s previous interactions with Taeyong, because he spends half of the meal nodding encouragingly at Doyoung, as if he might explode if provoked. Taeyong, on the other hand, doesn’t so much as look at him until they’re done eating, when he turns in his chair and says,

“So Yuta and I had an idea.” Yuta clears his throat loudly. “Ok it was mostly Yuta’s idea … and Mark’s,” he adds quickly in response to Mark pointing energetically at himself. Doyoung’s stomach clenches.

“Did you spend all of dinner yesterday talking about me?” he asks, uneasy. Taeyong blushes and looks away.

Mark is undeterred. “You should listen to what he has to say, I think it’s a really great idea,” he says. Doyoung sighs and makes a sign to Taeyong to keep going.

“We were thinking that we’d all understand each other better if we did something like … a cultural exchange. We each go to an event to help us get some perspective on where the other is coming from.” Doyoung looks at him, confused. “What I mean is,” Taeyong continues, “we go to one of your Bible study groups with you, and then you come to a Queer Student Union meeting with us. And then hopefully our horizons are broadened.”

“Except I have an exam this Thursday so Bible study will be just you and Taeyong, you’ll have to catch me up afterward,” concludes Yuta. They’re all three smiling at him now, though Taeyong’s smile is wobbly while Mark is beaming at him like a lighthouse. It doesn’t sound like a terrible idea, but…

“I don’t get it,” he says. “You come to Bible Study to learn about my life, I go to the … student union to learn more about Yuta’s, but what are we learning about Taeyong?”

They both look at him for a moment, then Yuta takes Taeyong’s hand and says, “The Queer Student Union is for both queer students and their allies, and Taeyong has always been supportive of me and so is one of the best allies.” Doyoung wants to believe they’re messing with him; he knows Yuta can lie with a straight face, but Mark is too earnest to lie well and he’s still smiling encouragingly. When he says yes, they look like the cats that got the cream. So why does Doyoung feel like he stepped into a trap.

***

On Sunday afternoon, Mark asks to speak with him one-on-one before he heads home. He’s holding the guitar, which turns out to be Taeyong’s. They head to the floor lounge. Taeyong’s not there; Doyoung hopes his roommate has let him back into his room. Mark leaves the guitar case in front of the cupboard where Taeyong leaves his clothes. 

Mark sits on the back of one of the couches and looks down at the floor. “So, um, I just wanted to say that, um,” (it turns out Mark says ‘um’ a lot when he’s being earnest), “I’m really happy that you’re Yuta’s roommate. When he and Taeyong decided not to room together because they wanted to meet new people, I was really worried, because you could have been mean or aggressive and I think Yuta was a little worried too. But you’re actually really great,” (Doyoung’s noticed that ‘really great’ is one of Mark’s favorite phrases), “and Yuta likes you a lot, so I’m really grateful for that.”

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say, except that he almost feels like crying for reasons he can’t fully explain. Maybe some part of him had thought that Yuta had just been humoring him about being friends, just long enough to survive the school year living together. Or that the things Taeyong had said at the beginning of the year had made Yuta permanently suspicious of him. 

“I’m really happy to have Yuta as a roommate too,” he says. “Really happy. My friends in high school … I didn’t feel comfortable talking about things with them like I do with Yuta.” It’s not something he’s been able to put into words before, but he knows it’s true. “And he’s also really lucky to have you, he clearly adores you.”

They spend a couple minutes just grinning at each other, then Mark reaches up and gives him a quick hug before going back to finish packing. It feels good.

***

On Thursday, Doyoung meets up with Taeyong for dinner before the meeting. Doyoung gives him a rundown on how the Bible Study meetings are setup, and then spends the rest of the meal summarizing the context for the chapter they’re going to be discussing. Taeyong keeps asking questions about the backstory of each element Doyoung mentions, until Doyoung exclaims, “It’s really about discussing what God is telling us in the text, not about the plot or the characters!”

“Sorry!” says Taeyong, “I just didn’t want to make a bad impression. By not knowing something.”

“I’m having to look half of these things up when you ask them, I think you’ll be fine.”

Taeyong looks a bit mollified. At least, he decides to change the subject, to one Doyoung’s been trying to avoid.

“So, are you planning on going home for Fall Break?”

Fall Break is next week, and Doyoung can’t decide what he wants to do. He’s managed to put off his mom bugging him about when she should come pick him up by telling her there’s a group project he’s finishing up and that he’ll take the night bus home if he’s done with all his work. But he’s pretty sure his group partners are going to want to get everything done by noon on Wednesday and he still doesn’t know if he wants to go home after that.

“To be honest, I don’t know,” he tells Taeyong. “It’s just, I’ve been thinking about what you said. About my mom making a bad impression, and my dad’s probably worse. And I feel like I shouldn’t go back without saying anything to them, but I haven’t even figured anything out myself, so where would I even start?”

Taeyong looks at him for a moment, biting his lips. He says, “I think you should go. I don’t think you have to talk to them if you’re not ready. You’re close to your parents, right?” Doyoung nods. “What I said was important and all, but I don’t want you ruining your relationship with your parents for that.”

“Are you sure? And what, I just pretend everything’s ok?”

“Sure, don’t we all do that? I mean, I don’t get along with my parents but I’m going home. We’ll pretend we like each other for a whole weekend, and then we’ll go our separate ways at the end.” Doyoung doesn’t want to tell Taeyong that that seems like a very sad state of affairs. “You love your parents, so it’s different, but it’s just growing up, having a part of yourself you don’t share with your family.”

From the intensity of the way Taeyong’s looking at him, Doyoung thinks that he’s not just talking about differences in politics, but he can’t figure out what he’s alluding to. He looks up the timetable for the buses to his hometown anyway.

***

Their dorm Bible study is organized by two sophomores who live on the second floor, Seulgi and Wendy. They’re both super friendly, and Wendy is also studying engineering, so Doyoung’s been able to ask her for help navigating his confusing course requirements. When he and Taeyong walk in, Wendy waves to him and points at the empty spot on the couch next to her. 

Doyoung looks back at Taeyong to make sure he’s following, but Taeyong’s still standing next to the entrance of the room looking like he wants to make his escape. The meeting takes place in the lounge on Taeyong’s floor, so Doyoung had thought he might know some people, but it looks that’s not the case. He goes to grab Taeyong’s hand and bring him over to Wendy’s couch, but Taeyong pulls back on him.

“I was thinking I could stand over here,” he says. 

“You can’t stand in the back, everyone’s going to be sitting in a circle. Come on, Wendy’s saving us a seat.”

Taeyong keeps pulling him back until they’re facing each other. He looks as nervous as Doyoung’s ever seen him. Something about the pitiful look on Taeyong’s face makes Doyoung’s heart skip a beat. Maybe it’s that he’s so used to Taeyong trying to boss him around that having things reversed softens the resentment he’s built towards him.

“Look, I promise everyone will be friendly. And you said you wanted to come, that means sitting with everyone else.” Taeyong grimaces but lets himself get dragged to the couch at the front of the room. Doyoung makes sure Taeyong is between him and Wendy, and makes the introductions as the rest of the group is filing in. 

They’re only about fifteen minutes into their discussion that Doyoung realizes he’s still holding Taeyong’s hand. It’s still a little sweaty but comfortably warm. Doyoung lets himself hold on a couple more seconds before letting go and tucking his hand into his lap.

They finish about an hour later. Taeyong’s been quiet the whole time, but with a look of concentration on his face as if he’s trying to memorize every turn the discussion takes. Doyoung stays in to chat with Wendy about their break plans. When he leaves, Taeyong is waiting for him in the hallway and they head down towards Taeyong’s room. 

“What did you think?” asks Doyoung.

“Well, I don’t know if Jihyo’s interpretation of that last passage was very historically grounded, but I guess how much importance you put on that depends on your denomination.” Taeyong trails off when Doyoung bursts out laughing. He says, annoyed, “What? This stuff is really interesting. You know I’m considering taking a religious studies class next semester?”

Doyoung tries to control his laughter because Taeyong looks serious. “It’s just that, when you suggested this, I thought it would be like, meeting people and stuff. But you refused to talk to anyone and instead you’re telling me about Biblical historicity.” They’ve reached Taeyong’s room. Luckily, the door is locked, meaning Taeyong’s roommate is out.

“I’m just not very good with people I don’t know,” Taeyong says while digging through his pockets for his key. “Usually I’m with Yuta but otherwise I tend to freeze up.”

“Are you sure it’s not just that you’re uncomfortable around religious people? Even ones you don’t think are bigoted.” Doyoung tries to keep his tone light, but he wishes Taeyong would just admit it instead of hedging around.

Taeyong’s found his key, but instead of opening his door, looks straight at him. “I wasn’t shy when I met you.”

“Yes, but you didn’t know I was Christian yet,” Doyoung objects.

“I figured it out pretty quickly and anyway that’s not the reason why.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want to admit it! Come on it’s fine we all have types of people we’re uncomfortable with.”

“Think what you want, it’s wrong.” Taeyong’s got his key in the lock, but Doyoung blocks the doorway with his arm.

“Okay, but what’s the actual reason then? You can tell me, we’re friends now right?” he says.

“If I felt comfortable telling you, I would have!” All of a sudden Taeyong is shouting. “Can you let me into my room now, I’m tired. I had to sit through all that nonsense discussion.”

Shocked, Doyoung lets his arm drop. Taeyong goes into his room and slams the door shut. 

He really managed to screw things up again.


	5. Chapter 5

Doyoung doesn’t talk to Taeyong before they all leave for break. He comes in to work with Yuta but all they do is nod to each other, and Doyoung’s busy trying to finish his Intro to Engineering project anyway. He does manage to get in a, “Have a good break!” when Taeyong and Ten come to pick up Yuta on Wednesday morning, to which Yuta responds effusively but Taeyong only makes a noncommittal grunt.

He’s booked himself a ticket on the 4:30 PM bus, which should get him home by 9. His mom’s said multiple times she should make the drive to come pick him up, but he’s managed to put her off. He’s not one hundred percent sure he won’t see their minivan at the bus station when he goes over anyway. Doyoung just knows that he wouldn’t be able to go through a three-hour drive with his mom without something he doesn’t want to hear coming up, and ‘buses are dangerous’ is probably one of those things his parents taught him that he’s supposed to unlearn anyway.

On Wednesday the station is less busy than he expected, and he finds his bus pretty easily. There’s a couple of people sitting in the front seats, but then the bus is empty except for Taeil’s roommate Johnny who happens to be sitting in the very back row. It turns out he lives in the same city as Jaehyun but is taking the 8-hour bus trip instead of flying to save some money.

Johnny’s got a tablet with a bunch of movies on it, so they share earphones and watch some black-and-white movie in Polish that Johnny swears is a modern masterpiece. Doyoung reserves his judgement on the masterpiece part (why did the couple have to die at the end?), but it does make the bus ride go faster. In no time at all he’s getting off the bus in the pitch-black bus depot in his hometown. He’s got Johnny’s number, so they can coordinate their trips back, and maybe get around to planning that movie night before the end of the term.

The only light comes from the one car in the parking lot. He’s relieved to see that it’s his dad, so he can delay the inevitable barrage of questions from his mom. His dad’s not the talkative type. He just tells Doyoung his hair is getting long and then they spend the rest of the car trip in silence.

Doyoung’s reprieve from questions doesn’t last long. His mom’s prepared a whole dinner for him even though the it’s way past his family’s regular dinnertime, and his brother is back for the weekend just to see him. He has to sit down and eat while simultaneously answering questions from three sides, about whether he’s passing his classes and if he’s met any pretty girls and whether he can’t invite any of his church friends back next break. He doesn’t tell his mom that he’s only been to church once since Jaehyun decided he couldn’t get up before noon on Sundays. And yet, despite that uncomfortable omission, being stuffed with his mom’s food and surrounded by his family makes Doyoung feel warm in a way he hasn’t in a while.

***

Doyoung’s break gets boring pretty quickly. His mom takes him to get a haircut first thing Thursday morning, and then tries to convince him they should go buy him some new winter clothes, but Doyoung begs off pretty quickly. He makes plans to meet up with two of his high school friends on Friday. After that he’s lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. He texts Jaehyun and Taeil, but they don’t answer. He texts Yuta next, and is considering asking Johnny for a movie recommendation when he gets a text from an unknown number.

_this is taeyong_

_yuta gave me your number_

_Hey_

_How’s break_

_i’m not mad at you btw_

_break’s ok i’m already tired of my parents_

_I’m not mad at you either_

_Sorry I overstepped your boundaries_

_no really it’s not your fault just personal shit_

_just this time every other time was your fault_

_;)_

_Ok well I’m sorry for those then_

_sure thing_

_you wanna listen to some music or smth_

They spend the afternoon listening to music together and ribbing each other about their supposedly terrible music taste. Doyoung holds back the Christian contemporary but that leaves a lot of Top 40 that Taeyong thinks is hopelessly bland, whereas Taeyong sends him progressively more and more obscure ambient electronic music. When his mom knocks on his door to call him down to dinner, she catches him giggling at a track Taeyong swears is by his favorite new artist of the year but for some reason sounds like a bunch of frogs croaking all at once.

“Reading something funny?” she asks.

“Oh, just one of my college friends sent me a really great meme. It’s about one of our professors but you have to know him to get it,” he says. He’s not sure why he lies to his mom about something so trivial. Except, maybe that Taeyong was right when he was talking about keeping part of his life away from his parents now. It feels strange.

***

Doyoung meets up with Wonwoo and Jihoon at the ice cream parlor in the mall across from their old high school. Luckily his bike that’s been sitting in their garage the last three months only needed a bit of air in its tires. It’s definitely too cold to be eating ice cream, but Wonwoo insists that it’s okay as long as the ice cream itself is colder than the air outside.

His friends look basically the same as when he last saw them, at the big church college sendoff potluck back in August. He’s not sure why he expected things to have changed since it’s been such a short time. Wonwoo goes to a Christian college in one of the neighboring towns, and Jihoon is studying music at the local community college. He thinks, staying so close, how could they have changed much at all?

“You’re so lucky you’re going to a big school,” says Wonwoo. “Basically everyone at my school comes from one of five high schools and they just brought all their cliques and drama with them.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to get out of here. I finally convinced my parents to let me switch to a school in the city next year where they have a music tech program. Can’t get involved in the industry out of the middle of nowhere,” says Jihoon.

“Isn’t it nice, though, to have people around that you know?” asks Doyoung. Jihoon and Wonwoo look at each other and shrug. “I’ve made some friends, but most of the time everyone being new is really overwhelming. And there’s my Bible Study group, but apart from that people don’t really get what it means to believe in God. It gets a little tiring.”

“Poor Doyoung, rejected by the secular academy,” Jihoon cackles. “Meanwhile Wonwoo here’s all set to find a nice Christian wife, get a job as a middle manager at the Amazon distribution center, and have three kids who go to the same church as his parents do.”

“Shut up Jihoon,” says Wonwoo, punching his arm. “You know that’s not what I’m planning on doing.”

“But he does have a girlfriend,” says Jihoon, making Wonwoo blush, “ _and_ she’s parent-approved. You can’t blame me for hearing the wedding bells.”

“You, on the other hand, are just going to stay single forever, so who wins in the end?”

“Hey, I can’t have anyone cramping my lifestyle when I’m the most in-demand music producer in the big city!” Conversations with Wonwoo and Jihoon often go this way, where they end up trying to one-up each other. It feels different than the free-wheeling conversations he has with Yuta, or when Taeil is giving him advice, or even his arguments with Taeyong, when they’re struggling with the fact that they come from different perspectives but trying to get to the same point.

“What about you, Doyoung, meet any nice girls you’d introduce to your parents?” Jihoon waggles his eyebrows, “or ones you wouldn’t?”

“I’d rather hear about the friends he’s made,” says Wonwoo. “How’s your roommate, is he nice?”

“My roommate? Uhh he’s … he’s gay,” says Doyoung. He immediately regrets it. He’s not sure why that’s the first thing to come to mind, except that the rapid-fire questions fried his brain connections. He feels like he’s revealed some deep secret, even though Yuta is pretty open about himself.

There’s a long awkward silence. He supposes it’s his fault since he’s left it there as if it’s a big deal. Wonwoo has an indecipherable look on his face, while Jihoon looks like he’s trying to figure something out. It seems like he does, because eventually he opens his mouth and says,

“So did he try to make a move on you?”

Doyoung’s stomach jolts. “No! He has a boyfriend!”

“Then they can team up on you together.” He has a nasty grin on his face. Doyoung feels sick.

“Jihoon, lay off,” Wonwoo says in a low voice.

“I’m just telling him to watch his back, dude. You know how those people can be.” A chill spreads throughout Doyoung’s body, out from his stomach along each limb, but it’s a chill that’s hot at the same time, and there’s also a buzzing inside his head. He has to make it go away, so he gets up and says he has to leave.

“Doyoung –” Wonwoo grabs his wrist, but Doyoung shakes it off.

“I told my mom I’d help her with dinner, sorry.” He grabs his coat from the back of his chair, pulls it on, and rushes out before either of them can say anything else.

Once on his bike, he pedals as hard as he can until his heartbeat blocks out any of his thoughts. He passes his house but keeps going, down along the canal until he’s almost out of town. He only stops once he’s too exhausted to pedal anymore, at which point he turns back and walks his bike home.

It’s almost dark by the time he gets back. He drops his bike behind the house and goes in through the back door into the laundry room, through which he can slip upstairs to his room without his mom noticing. Then he climbs into bed, buries himself under his blankets, and tries to fall asleep. When his mom comes to call him for dinner, he convinces her that he’s feeling sick.

***

Doyoung wakes up hours later. He checks his phone. It’s almost midnight; his family’s probably asleep already. He has two missed calls, a bunch of texts, and a voicemail from Wonwoo. He ignores those and instead calls Jaehyun, who texted him only an hour ago.

“Doyoung! How’s home? Did you know Taeil’s roommate lives in the city too?”

“Yeah, we met up on the bus home.”

“Oh right, you two are film buddies now. Taeil’s up here for part of the weekend and we all had dinner and went bowling together and Johnny spent the whole time talking about how you’re starting a movie club for beginners together. But tell me how you’re doing, are you bored yet?”

“I think I want to head back early,” says Doyoung.

“Did you get in a fight with your parents?” Jaehyun’s voice shifts from chatty to concerned. Doyoung’s heart settles; this is what he called for.

“No, they’re ok. I just met up with some of my high school friends today, and it was … I don’t want to have to see them again and if I stay there’s a chance I’ll run into one of them.”

“Doyoung, what happened? If you need a place to stay you should come here, we have an extra bed. Are you safe?”

“It wasn’t anything like that. It wasn’t really anything. It’s just I told them about Yuta, I didn’t mean to, but it slipped out, and what they said, it was …” Doyoung’s body clenches up again and he can’t go on.

“Listen, whatever they said, it’s not true, ok? Not about Yuta, and not about anybody else. And, what they said, it’s not what you think either, you love Yuta, you don’t think those things about him.” Jaehyun’s words come out in a stream, and Doyoung lets them flow over him, touching every part of him that’s clenched and soothing them one by one.

“But it could have been me! I could have said all those things!”

“Doyoung, let me just tell you, when you were freaking out after Taeyong told you Yuta was gay, you were always more worried about Taeyong or Yuta being mad at you than anything else. And then Taeil told you to apologize to Yuta, you did it right away. So even if you screwed things up at first, you weren’t ever mean or bigoted to him.”

Doyoung feels the last part of him relax. “Are you sure?” he asks.

“Of course I am. Are you sure you don’t want to come spend the rest of the break here?”

“That’s good to hear. Thanks Jaehyun.” Doyoung yawns. Now that the stress is gone his body’s lost all its energy.

“Sounds like we’re going to bed now? Call me back tomorrow, let me know how you’re doing.”

But Doyoung’s already asleep.

***

Doyoung’s mom guilt trips him into staying until Sunday morning, but he spends all of Saturday in the house helping out with chores (much to her surprise) and is safely on the bus back before noon. Only then does he open up the messages that Wonwoo sent him.

_2:46 PM Doyoung, I’m so sorry_

_2:46 PM Jihoon’s a pos_

_2:47 PM Come back I’ll make him apologize_

_3:31 PM Ok I get why you’re ignoring my calls but_

_3:31 PM I really want to fix things_

_3:31 PM can we meet up tmr?_

_3:32 PM Jihoon doesn’t have to be there if you don’t want_

_3:38 PM Ok I made him leave you an apology voicemail_

_5:55 PM Can you at least confirm you’re ok?_

Doyoung’s not sure what to say or how to feel. On the one hand, he does feel an echo of his reaction when his mom made comments about Yuta’s stuff in front of Taeyong. On the other hand, he’d rather just leave all that in the past. When he thinks about his group of high school friends – Wonwoo and Jihoon and Hanbin and Youngjae – mainly what he remembers passing each other homework to copy before class, going over to play video games, and talking about how much better life was going to be after high school. He’s not sure what tied them together beyond being not cool or athletic or smart enough to be in with any other group. In fact, Hanbin’s family had moved out of town right after graduation and none of them had heard from him since. So what was the point of staying connected with all of them? He was finally making friends at school, and already thought more fondly of them than his high school friends.

He texts Wonwoo back:

_Going back to school. Thanks for the apology._

And then, feeling generous, adds,

_Maybe we can meet up again over New Year’s._

He mutes his phone and spends the rest of the trip looking out the window. It had been dark for the whole trip up, so he hadn’t noticed the way the evergreens around his hometown mostly give way to full-blown orange and yellow fall foliage as the bus descends into the valley. It makes him feel better, for some reason. As if his frozen high-school self can become someone who renews himself for the seasons at college. All he has to do is shed his old leaves.

***

“Are you guys ready?” asks Taeyong. The three of them standing outside the room which is apparently called the Queer Student Union, on the fifth floor of the building at the center of campus that Doyoung has his chemistry lectures in. Yuta had invited Ten to come along, but he’d declined (“It’s not really my scene,” he’d said at lunch. “If I want to meet people I’ll go to a party, not some stuffy discussion about politics and how to distribute funding,” to which Taeyong had pointed out that Ten was a Political Science major, which got a shrug and a smirk in response). Doyoung now wishes Ten was here, since at least then they wouldn’t have shown up fifteen minutes early and then spent all that time around the corner watching who went in.

He says as much. “I don’t get why you’re so nervous, wasn’t this your idea?” Maybe it does lend credence to Taeyong’s assertion that he’s just shy, not just scared of Christians.

Yuta and Taeyong look at each other. “The thing is, we had our own Gay-Straight Alliance back in high school. Where we were in charge. But this’ll be different so it feels weird,” says Taeyong.

(Ten had also mentioned this. Specifically, had said, “Remember when you had your club in high school and only four people would show up? I went once but couldn’t do it again, it was too sad.”)

“There were only a couple of other out people in high school,” Yuta adds, “so it’s like, meeting people who are going to be confident and experienced and know way more about things, which is pretty stressful? It should be exciting but right now it’s not.”

“We’ll never know what it is if we don’t go in!” says Doyoung, and he opens the door for them. 

The space is pretty big, with what looks like a meeting space with tables, chairs, and a projector on the left, and a bunch of couches and armchairs on the right. Beyond that there’s doors to what are either offices or study rooms. The back wall has a bunch of large windows overseeing the central quad, and below them shelves holding pamphlets and piles of books. The wall to his left is covered in activist posters, with phrases on them like ACT UP that Doyoung half-remembers hearing about in history class.

There are more people there than he expected from their spying earlier, which means there must have been people already there. Doyoung likes the idea of having a place to study with friends that’s not the library; it reminds him of how in high school his friends had a classroom they would use during lunch and free periods, because the teacher whose classroom it was one of his mom’s church friends. The meeting looks like it’s taking place on the couch side of the room, though there’s also a table set up with snacks that people are gathered around.

Doyoung pushes Yuta and Taeyong towards the snack table, but they get intercepted by a boy about Doyoung’s height wearing glasses holding a glass of orange juice.

“Hi, I’m Qian Kun,” he says with a broad smile, “are you guys freshmen? It would be great to have some more gay freshmen around here, I’m the only one.” 

“He’s the only one who’s … gay,” says Doyoung quickly, pointing at Yuta. “We’re here as moral support. Allies.”

“And he has a boyfriend already,” Taeyong chimes in.

“Ok, ok, I was just looking for friends, no need to get defensive,” says Kun, holding up his hands.

Doyoung softens and introduces all of them, since Taeyong and Yuta are still being quiet. It turns out Kun is a math major who lives in the same dorm as Ten. Once they’ve all met, Yuta drags Taeyong off to the snack table, but Kun stays to talk to him.

“So, I know you said you’re straight, but you’re really just here for support?” he asks.

Kun seems like a pretty no-nonsense guy, so Doyoung decides to go with the truth. “To be honest, when Yuta came out to me, I didn’t react very well. Taeyong suggested we all come to this meeting to understand each other better or something. Though I’m starting to suspect they just wanted an excuse to push them in because if I wasn’t here they’d still be standing outside.”

“Are you sure there isn’t anything going on between them?” Kun asks, looking at them. Taeyong is holding a plate and Yuta is piling on enough food for the both of them.

“No, they’re just friends,” Doyoung laughs. “Yuta loves his boyfriend a lot; he goes back to visit every weekend. Taeyong is just protective because of stuff that happened.”

“I guess if you have a boyfriend back from high school you’re not in as much of a hurry to meet other people. I was closeted through high school and the first thing I wanted to do when I got here is meet other queer people.”

At this point the meeting starts. Doyoung is glad to see that Yuta and Taeyong are settling on a couch next to a girl with pink hair who they’re actually talking to. Kun pulls up two chairs for them to sit on behind one of the couches, from where they can just watch.

After the new attendees have introduced themselves, the meeting goes mostly as Ten predicted. They start with a discussion about attending some protest in support of the dining hall staff, which seems to Doyoung not to have much to do with the purpose of the club. There’s a long argument over what to write on the protest signs, the implications of which Doyoung can’t really follow. The rest of the meeting is dedicated to deciding how to allocate the club’s money between for the rest of this semester and how much to save for the next.

Once the talking is all done, and the sign-up form for tabling for events the club is holding during finals week is being passed around, Doyoung comments to Kun,

“That whole part at the beginning was really heavy-handed politics, don’t you think? Shouldn’t this group be sticking to gay rights and all that?”

“You think so?” says Kun. “I don’t know, I like it. Solidarity has to mean something, right?”

Doyoung wants to roll his eyes, but the sign-up sheet gets to them and Kun shoves a pen in his hand.

“Come on Doyoung, it’ll be fun. If you sign up with me, I can help you study for the Calc III final after,” he says. Doyoung grumbles but puts his name next to Kun’s. It’s just one event. He doesn’t have to come back next semester.

After saying good-bye to Kun, Doyoung heads over to where Yuta and Taeyong are still talking to the pink-haired girl. Once Taeyong sees him, he waves him over.

“Doyoung, Sana here’s a film major, you should invite her to your film club!” he says.

Doyoung tries to explain to Sana that the club doesn’t exist yet and she probably knows way more than he does anyway, but Taeyong keeps interrupting insisting that they’re definitely starting before the end of the semester, until both Sana and Yuta start laughing at them.

They all head out soon after, Yuta and Sana to a review session for their History class, and Doyoung and Taeyong back to their dorm. Taeyong seems pretty happy about how the meeting went, which basically confirms Doyoung’s theory that they only brought him along as an excuse to go. He’s a little ticked off, which makes him want to say something mean as payback.

“You know, Kun said something pretty strange to me. He asked if you and Yuta had any history together because you seemed really close.”

Taeyong grunts, but doesn’t say anything, so Doyoung prods further.

“It got me thinking, did Yuta ever have a crush on you? You know, when he was figuring things out?”

“No,” says Taeyong. He starts walking faster and Doyoung lengthens his pace to keep up.

“Are you sure? I just wonder what it would be like if your best friend had a crush on you. Would it be awkward?” Doyoung knows he’s going too far again, but Taeyong’s non-response makes him want to keep pushing him.

Taeyong stops and looks straight at him. It’s a familiar situation, and Doyoung tenses up in anticipation.

“First of all, that’s offensive,” says Taeyong. “Second of all it’s none of your business.”

“Sorry that I’m just trying to get to know you better! This is the kind of things friends talk about!” says Doyoung, his voice rising.

“We’d be better friends if you didn’t insist on prying in everything!”

“More like if you didn’t get offended every time something you’re uncomfortable with comes up!”

Taeyong throws his hands up in the air. “Fine! I tried to make this work, I really did, but maybe we’re just going to keep getting mad at each other and it’s not worth it.”

Doyoung looks at him, flabbergasted. “ _You’re_ the one who’s been getting mad every time! What am I even supposed to do!”

“As I said, maybe we’re just not meant to get along.” Taeyong’s mouth is firmly set. “For Yuta’s sake, we can be polite to each other, nothing more.” He makes a 180 turn and walks off in the opposite direction of their dorm.

Doyoung stands there, stock still. His head is too frozen to react. He’d made Taeyong mad before, but never so intentionally tried to needle under his skin. In return, Taeyong made it clearer than ever that there’s something that just doesn’t work between them.

He tries to fight off the thought that he may have ruined things for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kun showing up completes the appearances of the 94-97 line members. Everyone else is still a high schooler at this point. 
> 
> My apologies to Woozi and Wonwoo of Seventeen for making them play homophobic assholes.


	6. Chapter 6

“What did Yuta say?” 

“He said he’s not talking to either of us until we fix things,” says Doyoung. He’s lying on Jaehyun’s bed fiddling with his phone. Jaehyun’s sitting on the carpet at the foot of the bed, where Doyoung can’t see him. They’re supposed to be drilling each other with flashcards for their Chemistry final, but Doyoung’s sidetracked them into figuring out how to get his life straight.

“What if … it was actually Taeyong who had a crush on Yuta and that’s why he was being so defensive?” says Jaehyun. Doyoung’s heart jumps.

“No way, Taeyong’s straight. He wouldn’t have any reason to hide that,” says Doyoung.

“You can be straight and still have a crush on another guy. Winwin and I got drunk and made out a couple times but we’re both straight.” Doyoung feels like he’s been suddenly plunged into an alternate reality, but Jaehyun keeps going without a pause. “Anyway, I think at this point you really have to follow Taeil’s advice and apologize. It’s at least partially your fault this time.”

His brain is still processing what Jaehyun told him, but he nods in agreement. “You’re right, but I don’t even know where to start, or if he’ll even talk to me.”

“Of course he’ll talk to you. The previous times, he was the one to come to you, right? He just wants you to take the first step for once. If you don’t believe me, ask Taeil, he’ll say the same thing.”

Doyoung’s not particularly surprised they’ve been talking about him behind his back. The moment he leaves Jaehyun’s room, though, he calls Taeil.

“So, did Jaehyun tell you the same thing I did?” asks Taeil.

“When you two were plotting out what to tell me, did Jaehyun mention that him and Sicheng…”

“… are doing drunk bro kisses or whatever he wants to call them? Yeah, I didn’t get it any more than it sounds like you did. Maybe they just need time to figure things out for themselves.” 

“As long as they don’t drag us into it,” Doyoung laughs. 

“Have you figured out what you’re going to say to Taeyong yet? Or do I have to make you write it on a notecard?” He hears someone shouting in the background. “Johnny says you have to come over so you can schedule your first film night, so we can do all that at the same time. Ok see you soon.”

Taeil hangs up, so Doyoung has no choice but to go.

An hour and a half later, he’s pulling up Taeyong’s number on his phone, with the script he and Taeil wrote on his lap. Johnny’s taken charge of making the facebook event for their film club, but right now they’re both sitting on the couch across for him to make sure he doesn’t chicken out.

He dials. Taeyong’s phone rings twice, then he picks up. Doyoung can hear Taeyong’s breathing on the line, but he doesn’t say anything. So he takes the plunge.

“Hi Taeyong, it’s Doyoung, well I think you know that, but I called you because,” he looks at his script, finds his place, continues, “I wanted to apologize for, basically for everything I’ve done since we met, wait I have a list. Ahem. First, for reacting homophobically to Yuta coming out to me, including not defending him from my mom. Second, for being defensive about being accused of homophobia and taking it out on you. Third,” he turns to the back of his sheet of paper, “for saying you were jealous of me being Yuta’s friend. Fourth, for assuming you were uncomfortable with Christians. Fifth, for prying about subjects you don’t want to talk about and for being pushy about all of the above in general. I want us to be friends and will try the best I can to be conscientious in the future and respect you and your boundaries. You and Yuta have taught me so much already and I really value the time we’ve spent together. I hope you can forgive me and that we can be friends for real.” He takes a breath. “That’s all I have you can answer now.”

“Ok,” says Taeyong.

There’s a pause.

“Ok? That’s it?”

“Your list was very comprehensive; I hardly remember half of those. I mean of course I forgive you, you don’t think Yuta’s been hounding me all week about how I was too hard on you and how I need to stop getting defensive about everything. We’ve argued so much we basically have to be friends now right?” He laughs. It’s a soft, pretty laugh and it makes Doyoung’s heart beat twice. 

Taeil and Johnny are gesticulating at him, asking for an update, so Doyoung gives them a thumbs up.

“Of course, friends, that’s great! Sorry Taeil and Johnny are trying to tell me something. They helped me write up what I wanted to say. Oh I see, Johnny wants me to tell you that we’re having a movie night on Tuesday. And that you should come. He’s saying that I’ll only accept your apology if you come and that you need to bring at least one other person. Ok Johnny I’m going to ignore you now.” Doyoung heads out to the hallway where they can’t distract or overhear him.

“I can’t believe you needed two people to help you write an apology,” says Taeyong, but Doyoung can tell he’s just teasing.

“Hey, I wanted to make sure I got things right. And you should thank Taeil, he’s been telling me I need to apologize to you since at least October.” Taeyong laughs again, and every time he does, Doyoung feels like the bubble he’s on is floating just a bit higher. When he finally hangs up, half an hour later, it still hasn’t burst. 

\---

Doyoung totally forgets that he signed up to table during finals week for the QSU until Kun reminds him when they’re leaving their Math final. They end up spending their whole Tuesday afternoon sitting at a table in the main quad, handing out rainbow striped stress squeeze balls and mini skittles bags. 

“Isn’t this kind of lame?” asks Doyoung. They’re sitting across from the hiking club, which has a pen full of puppies students can come play with. 

“The current leadership of the club is more focused on activism than outreach, I think. And activism is great, but it means us freshmen are stuck running these things,” says Kun. “We could at least get something fun like balls in the shape of balls.”

Doyoung mimes throwing up on Kun. “I don’t really want to get involved in the activism stuff, but we could do something like, a monthly movie night? I’m starting a film club apparently, and we could do gay movies sometimes? Or, I mean, LGBT movies.”

“We, huh? I didn’t know you’d decided to join permanently.” Doyoung blushes. “But that sounds like a great idea! We should suggest it to the group for next semester. I’m sure they’ll be happy to have more cultural activities.” 

“It was just a random idea,” laughs Doyoung, “but I guess we can try it out?” He’s not sure about getting more involved with the QSU, as well as mixing two completely different groups of people, but he does like hanging out with Kun. “We’re actually having our first movie night on Thursday after finals. Do you want to come to see if you like it? We’re starting with Casablanca, Johnny insisted, but he also managed to get the CS student association to give him some of their leftover money, so we’ll have snacks.”

“Sure, of course, you should have told me earlier, what else would I be doing after finals?”

“I don’t know, going on a date with some guy?” suggests Doyoung.

Kun winks at him. “Have to get myself a hot film buff!”

There’s barely anyone coming to their booth, so Kun gets out a piece of paper and starts writing down what they’ll need to get approved to have their movie nights funded by the QSU. Doyoung’s somewhat familiar with the process since they’ve put in an application to make an official Film History club – he was skeptical about it being possible, but Johnny said the Film Studies department desperately wanted better major recruiting venues. 

They’ve got an outline sketched out pretty quickly so Kun makes a list of movie ideas. Doyoung can’t contribute much more than Brokeback Mountain, but they start googling lists of important gay movies and come up with a list that Johnny would be proud of, including movies from the 30’s that Doyoung hadn’t even imagined could have existed. They’re so engrossed that they don’t even realize their shift is done until people from Student Services come to pick up the table they’re using, and they have to pack everything up very quickly. 

\---

More people show up to their first Film Club meeting than expected. Yuta had volunteered Ten’s services as a poster designer, and he had made them a poster with a drawing of a woman looking at an airplane taking off that was apparently drawn from the last scene of Casablanca. They’d put the posters up in his and Johnny’s dorms, but Doyoung was still worried that no one would show up, so he’d told all his friends to bring an extra person along. Which turned out to be a lot of people. He’s now standing in front of the room as Johnny makes sure their projector is working and can only recognize half of the people looking back at him. They’ve filled the couches in the lounge, and he has to send Taeyong and Taeil to grab a couple more chairs. 

Once everyone’s seated, Doyoung looks to Johnny, who gestures at him to start. He sees Jaehyun and Sicheng in the front seats giving him a thumbs up, and Taeyong on the side next to Sana and her roommate Momo, and Kun in the back sitting next to Ten and Yuta for some reason. He claps his hand loudly and then starts.

“Hi everyone! Glad you could all make it!” Johnny’s friends collectively let out a big whoop and Doyoung stops, blushing, but Taeil gestures at him to keep going. “So, uh, one night Johnny and I were talking about movies and he got mad at all the movies I hadn’t watched, so he wanted to have movie nights – sorry, film nights – where he could show me all the most important films. But then we had this idea that maybe other people would be interested, and it would be a good way to get people together, since we live in different dorms and all. So we’re going to try this out, and if it goes well, we’ll be having these every week next semester. 

“Jaehyun has a signup sheet, put your name and email on that to get our invites.” Jaehyun gets up and waves the sheet. “We have snacks today thanks to the CS department,” – Johnny’s friends whoop again at that – “but we need enough signups to get officially funded next semester, so make sure you do that! And we’re going to set up a system for you to suggest and vote for films to watch so it’s not just Johnny picking them every week.

(Johnny interrupts saying, “As long as you don’t have shit taste!” making everyone in the room laugh.)

“I’m going to let Johnny introduce the film now, and then after it’s done, we’ll have an open discussion for those who want to stay.” He goes to sit down on the floor, leaving the front to Johnny, and everyone claps for some reason. As Johnny starts explaining the historical context for Casablanca, Doyoung feels a tap on his shoulder. It’s Taeyong, who’s sitting right behind him. He leans down and whispers, “You did great.” Doyoung taps his hand in acknowledgement. 

Taeyong leaves his hand resting on Doyoung’s shoulder for the whole of the movie, and Doyoung doesn’t shrug it off.

About a third of the attendees leave after the film is done, but they have a pretty lively discussion with those who are left, including a sophomore named Jeongyeon who gets into a heated argument with Johnny about the film’s portrayal of women. After she leaves Johnny goes to make sure her name is on the signup sheet. By the time they’re done, it’s past eleven and the sophomore are trying to convince them they need to see the sun rise from the dorm roof before the end of their first semester. Doyoung’s cleaning up the food, but from what he can hear, it sounds like Jaehyun and Sicheng are ready to stay up all night. 

Taeil comes up, holding a garbage bag for him to dump the plates in. “Are you going to stay up for the sunrise?” he asks.

“I’d rather go to sleep, but I could set an alarm join you right before,” says Doyoung. 

“Just make sure you bring some blankets, it gets pretty cold up there.” Taeil looks over to where Taeyong is talking to Yuta and Ten. “It looked like you and Taeyong managed to resolve things?” 

Taeyong starts laughing at something Ten says, in his high-pitched cackle, and Doyoung can’t help smiling. “Yeah, we’ve decided to be officially be friends.” He looks back to Taeil. “Thank you so much for your help, by the way. Without you we’d still be stuck glaring at each other.”

“Of course, Doyoung. And if you need to talk about anything else, I’m always here.” He glances at Taeyong and back, and Doyoung’s stomach clenches. 

They end up splitting into two groups, with Jaehyun, Sicheng, Ten, and Kun going to make hot chocolate to drink with vodka on the roof with the sophomores, while Doyoung, Taeyong, and Yuta go back to their dorm to catch some sleep. Ten calls them a bunch of pansies, but when the freezing air outside hits them, Doyoung’s glad they’ll be sleeping through the coldest part of the night. 

\---

Doyoung’s alarm wakes him up far too early. He tells himself they need to do is drag themselves over to Taeil’s building and then they can doze off again. He shakes Yuta and Taeyong awake (they’d managed to convince Taeyong to sleep on their floor, wrapped in their extra blankets), then stumbles into the bathroom to splash some water on his face and brush his teeth. When he goes back into the room, the lights are on and he sees Taeyong changing his shirt before quickly looking away. 

Yuta’s folding up his blankets for them to bring up, so Doyoung fishes out his thermos from under his bed and goes to the floor lounge to fill it up from the hot water boiler. Luckily both Yuta and Taeyong are dressed when he returns, and they pack the blankets along with the thermos in Yuta’s duffle bag. 

The world they enter when they go outside is a strange one. It’s still pitch-black, and with none of the party sounds they’re used to hearing when coming back to the dorm late at night. It’s so cold the grass crunches beneath their feet when they take the shortcut between the dorms. They can hear some confused birds chirping faintly.

They have to use the fire stairs from the top floor of the building to actually get on the roof. Luckily, it’s starting to get a little light out by then, though the stairs are rickety enough that Doyoung avoids looking down. Once on the roof, they can make out a couple of shapes around a hazy light. Getting closer, it turns out their friends have huddled together under blankets with a small gas stove providing some heat. Kun, sharing a blanket with Ten of all people, is still awake, and, grinning, points to the blanket pile closest to them. When they get around, they can see that it’s Jaehyun and Sicheng, and that Jaehyun’s fallen asleep with his arms around Sicheng’s neck and his head in his chest. 

Doyoung starts making noise to wake them all up and takes out his thermos to pass around. There’s enough commotion once the sophomores are awake that he thinks he’s the only one to see Sicheng bring his hand up to Jaehyun’s nape and pet him awake. Sicheng is smiling softly down at Jaehyun, and Doyoung turns away before he sees too much. 

By this point, there’s a clear light coming from the horizon, and his friends are gathering along the east side of the roof, their blankets hanging off their shoulders. Doyoung’s about to go join them when someone hugs him from behind.

“I don’t know if you’re a hug person,” says Yuta into his ear.

He isn’t, really, but he doesn’t mind Yuta’s hugs. Especially since Yuta’s somehow stayed warm. He holds on to Yuta’s arms so he doesn’t let go.

“You should come visit over break. My parents would be happy to have you over and you’ll go crazy being at home for four weeks.”

“I promised Jaehyun I’d stay with him for New Year’s,” says Doyoung. The adrenaline rush of being awake so early is fading and he’s starting to feel dozy again.

“So stay a week with him and come down to my place the week before classes start. Mark and Taeyong will be happy to see you.” Doyoung can’t tell if Yuta put a meaningful pause before Taeyong’s name, or if it’s something his sleepy brain is imagining. “Just let me know before you show up so I can make space for the cot in my room.” He holds on a while longer, before saying, “I think Taeyong had something he wanted to talk to you about.” Yuta unwraps his arms, leaving Doyoung out in the cold, and pushes him towards the edge of the roof.

Taeyong is leaning on the balcony, with a blanket over his head, looking out at the pink-tinged sky. When Doyoung settles next to him, Taeyong turns to him and smiles. His cheeks are pink from the cold and he’s holding Doyoung’s thermos. 

“You look frozen, come under the blanket and have some,” says Taeyong, handing over the thermos. “I added the rest of Taeil’s hot cocoa powder.” Taeyong reaches over to drape the blanket over the both of them. He’s skinner than Yuta, so it isn’t as warm, but once Doyoung starts drinking the cocoa he stops shivering. 

“I’ve been thinking about why we keep getting into arguments, and I think it’s because we don’t trust each other enough. Like, when we disagree about something, we each assume it’s because the other one wants to find a fault in us. But we’re friends now, so we should trust each other to be in good faith, right?”

“Right,” answers Doyoung. Taeyong’s shifted over such that his elbow is poking Doyoung’s ribs, but since it keeps them warmer he doesn’t mind too much. 

“In that case, we should each share something the other one wants to know. I’ll go first,” says Taeyong, so quickly Doyoung can barely keep up with what they’ve apparently decided. “You wanted to know more about mine and Yuta’s friendship back in high school, no?” Doyoung’s not sure that’s precisely what he’d argued with Taeyong about, but he grunts in approval.

“Basically, me, Yuta, and his ex had been friends since … since forever, basically. We met in elementary school and after that it was always the three of us. We started a band together freshman year of high school, we spent all our time together. So when Yuta and his ex started dating junior year, I … didn’t take it very well. It suddenly went from being the three of us to being two plus one, and I really took out my anger about that on the both of them. Such that when they broke up and his ex called Yuta slurs in front of the whole schools, some part of me felt vindicated. Even though he’d been my friend too, you know?

“You asked why I’m so protective of Yuta. Part of it is that I should have seen the warning signs about him, the ones I didn’t notice because I was busy being mad at the both of them for leaving me out. But another part is that I want to expel the side of me that was happy to see them break up in that way.”

Doyoung doesn’t say anything in the silence that ensues. He can see now why Taeyong was so touchy when he’d pushed around this topic.

“You also look a lot like him. Yuta’s ex, I mean. It surprised me when we first met. I kind of thought maybe it was a sign that we could start all over and do things right this time.”

He’s not sure what to make of that. Is that what Taeyong had meant when he’d said that there was a reason he’d never been shy with Doyoung?

“Your turn now!” says Taeyong, more chipper all of a sudden. As if in response, the sky is now getting brighter by the second. 

“Me? I don’t – I don’t know if I have any high school trauma stories to share,” says Doyoung.

“Don’t worry, I know what I want to ask. Yuta said you’re a really good singer?”

Doyoung blushes. “Well, I used to sing in my church choir. I don’t know if that makes me really good.”

“Let me be the judge of that, sing something for me.”

“What?” Doyoung looks at Taeyong to see if he’s joking, but he’s grinning madly at him, his whole face now lit up pink from the sky.

“Come on, you agreed! Look, the sun’s coming up, doesn’t it deserve a song?”

Doyoung’s almost sure Taeyong is trying to prank him, but he looks so excited that he decides to humor him. He sings the first few bars of ‘Amazing Grace,’ but Taeyong interrupts him right away.

“No, no, do you have a pop song you can sing?”

Doyoung racks his brain trying to think of something appropriate. He really doesn’t sing much outside of church. He finally thinks of the right song. The sun is peeking over the horizon when he starts the opening of IU’s ‘Through the Night’:

“Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly  
to somewhere near your window …”

Taeyong drops his head onto Doyoung’s shoulder as he sings. The sun rises, lighting up the entire valley before them. All of a sudden everything from the school buildings around them to the rolling hills on the other side of the town is bursting with light, all of it covered with a sparkling layer of frost. Doyoung gets now why the sophomores insisted on them coming up here.

Once he finishes the song, Taeyong whispers, “It’s beautiful….” They sit there for a couple of minutes. Doyoung can hear his friends shouting off somewhere to his left, but if he moves to look at them then Taeyong’s head will fall off his shoulder.

“I mean both. Your voice and the view,” says Taeyong.

“I was only going to go until the first chorus, but then …” Doyoung doesn’t know how to explain it, the feeling he got that told him he had to keep going, to make the moment last as long as possible. Even if they come back to do this another time, he’ll never be seeing the sun rise on the last day of his first semester of college ever again. He can feel his whole body buzzing from that thought.

Taeyong’s apparently already thinking of something else, though. “You know how I said we had a band in high school? Well Yuta’s ex was the lead singer and it mostly fell apart after he left. I was thinking we could start it up again with you as our lead singer.”

Once he thinks through it later, the direction of this whole conversation with Taeyong will make sense, but at that moment, it’s the last thing he expects. 

“But I can’t – between Film Club and classes, I’m already doing so much next semester.”

“Come on, it’ll be so much fun. You won’t have to write any of the music, Yuta and I will take care of it, unless you want to of course. Plus think of how cool you’ll sound when you tell people you knew in high school that you joined a band in college.”

Doyoung does think about how Wonwoo and Jihoon would react to seeing him where he is now, being tricked by a boy with a pretty smile into thinking he’ll have infinite time next semester. He caves and tells Taeyong he’ll do it. 

Taeyong snakes an arm around his waist to hug him. “I knew you’d say yes,” he says, and Doyoung thinks of all the other things he could say yes to, as the sun hoists itself off the horizon, and the new day starts for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for Doyoung's first semester! I've started writing part 2 (of 3), but I think this part holds up as a story on its own. Thanks for reading!


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